This comes to you from my current state of kick ass and take names attitude. I have some breaking up to do. It’s kind of a thing for me lately and so far it has gone really well…so why stop now? I will be calling it quits on a few different relationships in the near future.
First on the chopping block…candy. I know…you gasped. I heard it. Chances are you have actually witnessed my eyes roll back in ecstasy over a truffle. Still though, candy and I are trying to break up. We keep finding a way back to each other but I know it’s a delusional relationship that feels good for a moment and then leads to self-loathing and lifetime movie channel binges. I have to take care of me, move on, stop enabling a toxic relationship and perpetuating a cycle of destructive behavior. Also to the curb…candy’s short obnoxious wingman, bread. This basically means that the chocolate croissant at La Madeline, the one that defies resistance of even the strongest will….no more. You’re an asshole!!! I want you out of my life!!! (Ok…. I’m sorry chocolate, I didn’t mean it. You will always be my go to booty call. I love you my darling. I just have to be a little more unavailable than you’re used to. I know you’ll understand.)
Consumables out of the way let’s move on. Guilt. I am through with you. Like Taylor Swift album, never ever back together, done. You hover, you’re smothering me and you’re critical as fuck. Even the most incompetent of therapists would tell me to cut the shit and give you the slip. I get it, friends think I’m distant, my kids think I’m overbearing, my parents get worried and even my own brain mutinies and has me convinced I’m not actually pulling any of this off well. Do I work too much? Do my girls know they have all my love? Is my mom aware that even as a grown ass woman I still want her approval? Do these questions help me in any way? Meh….probably not. So let’s just call this the waste of energy that it is and move forward away from each other. Anyway I hate your trifling ass friend self-doubt that lingers all creepy behind you so GTFO, both of you.
No woman is an island though. John Donne said no man is an island, he was confused. I know plenty with no responsibility, obligation or consideration of anyone but themselves. Men get REAL comfortable with island status. Point is, there are a few things I just won’t ever split with. Exhibit one – the toxic, gorgeous, aromatic combination of coffee and wine. Not together, unless that’s your thing and then hey, you do you. Coffee is the Romeo to my Juliet. I have no interest in continuing to shuffle, un-caffeinated, through a world with no coffee. And wine, oh you fermented goddess you, my cup runneth over…b/c I’m drunk and over poured, but still; you know how I feel you sexy minx. Let’s say all my aforementioned plans go awry and I binge out in a haze of candy coated bread, making me feel guilty and self-doubting and it’s just a cluster fuck mess. 2 big glasses of wine and I’m A-Okay again, can’t even feel the breadcrumbs in my bed. You can’t quantify a love like that. It’s so giving. It gives me hottyhawt dance moves, witty commentary, confidence that far surpasses my actual abilities. It also gives me stained lips and a mild headache from time to time but hey, anything worth having takes a little sacrifice now and again. Amiright?
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