If there is anything worse than Facebook to make a woman feel like the worst mother in the history of ovaries its Pinterest. Recently all my girls had little valentine’s parties with their classes at school. I am thinking this is not a BFD because I can just screech into the dollar tree after work, run inside, grab some red or pink gift bags with a heart on it or something and boom…done. Maybe get some cute pencils for them to give their little friends then speed home as fast as possible and set the record for how quickly a woman goes from work heels to yoga pants and house shoes. 10 minutes, 8 dollars….cake.
I had no idea how naïve I was. NO IDEA. I used to be the “let’s make you the cutest little animal shaped homemade valentine’s box out of an empty oatmeal tube” mom….complete with hot glue gun burns on my fingers and pipe cleaner fuzz in my cleavage. If I couldn’t pull it out of my creative genius I had backups who could. Shout out – ya’ll know who you are. They were a phone call and a bottle of gas station wine away. So I guess it makes sense that my kids looked at me like “What in the actual fuck mom?” when I came in the door with my bags and my pencils. My oldest was hand writing personalized messages onto the backs of the 28 individual pictures she had drawn for her classmates. My youngest actually cried. Rather than panic I thought “meh…I’ll just hop on Pinterest and come up with something free, quick and easy.” You know what I found? Origami crafts, heart shaped cupcakes with melty chocolate centers, little homemade insects with googly eyes and more working parts than my Kia…nothing free, nothing quick, and nothing easy. I mean it looks like MacGyver meets Martha Stewart on there. Are you fucking kidding me?!?! I’m trying to make it through dinner without falling asleep at the stove. If my kids don’t start heading to bed by 9 PM I start to get legitimately flustered. Staying up after bed/wine time to create a valentine box for a 40 minute party is insane to me! Especially since I know I am going to be plotting ways to throw the damn thing away as soon as they get back home that day and I find one in every room of the house.
I use Pintrest for mildly inappropriate meme’s, occasional recipes and all too often sentimental, snarky or hilarious quotes (because let’s face it, “someone else already said it better.”) Yup a quote about quoting…that’s how we rollin today. Yes, I know it’s a memory making opportunity, I know that sticky hands and messy floors are the signs of happy kids…I read those motivation plaques at Hobby Lobby too….and I am happy to make those messy funny memories….on Saturday after I have slept in and a kid has brought me coffee in bed. Wednesday night at 8:40…pppssshshhhh….nay…I think not. So what’s a mom to do? I’m frantically scrolling through Pinterest and all I get out of it is an eye twitch because by this point even my nervous system is so over it. I spend a good 5 minutes explaining to them that these handy bags will hold more, are easier to carry home and can be personalized with the 6 ½ markers I have laying around the house. Then I bribe. I bribe So. Hard.
Chips and fruit loops for dinner? Sure! Plans to go shopping over the weekend? Hell yea! They even weaseled me into putting away their laundry. Underachiever mom guilt is real. Its socially constructed bullshit…but ya feel it in your SOUL! Their bags went over fine, we all survived the holiday as single ladies. Mine was basically the same as always and just lacked that forced, last minute “I don’t really give a shit but here I think I am supposed to do this” spouse gift that fell just short of sincere Every. Single. Year. So in that regard this year was actually pretty great! My only complaint other than over achieving self-inflicted social media fed scrutiny is that I came home from work on Friday to find a single rose on my table. I thought “aww the girls got me a flower…how sweet. There’s a little note!” I’m actually a little giddy…so I go to read the note… “Mom, the flower is from Brayden in my class. Please make sure my hamster has food tonight. Love M”.
2 questions hit right about then….”These aren’t for me?” and “Who in the hell is Brayden?”
We can get into that next time….I have to go buy tranquilizer darts and night vision goggles to check up on this little shit…I mean boy…yea…boy.
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