Has anyone seen my modesty bar? Anyone? I know I left it here…….

Today I just can’t….

So I either have raging PMS or the reality of the world I live in has just been glaring me in the face for too long without commentary from the peanut gallery where I reside….I’m not sure which. What I am sure of, so so sure of….is that I have had it with this week.

First….someone jacked the last of my coffee creamer at work. A-FUCKING-GAIN. So here’s the delio…I’m happy to share with you fool….I understand as well or better than anyone that the creamy goodness of international delight first thing in the morning can make or break a day. I feel you, I really do. Unless you’re the kind of asshole that takes the last of it, when you know perfectly well it isn’t yours, and leaves me standing there with my motor oil grade office brew and no creamer in waves of rage. All of the rage. Seriously…fuck you man. So not cool. I hope your day is as shitty as my coffee was. Regards, but not my best ones.

Second…and this one even made a Facebook appearance so daaaannng.  Lady influencers…. Baby. Guuuurrrllls. Paaaaleeeesssseee. Put. Your. Clothes. On.  I am the first, I say the FIRST to embrace the various ways in which women express their autonomy and empowerment. You do you and I’ll appreciate that. Just please keep your “you” off my children’s social media. Because while you rant and send out “eff you” snap chats about how women should feel empowered by their body and sexuality some of us are trying to sneak a quick Facebook scroll at work and your naked ass (with modesty bars….of course…bc we’re all classy ladies here right?) is popping up on screens of those of us with no interest in perpetuating your self-promotion.  Also, just while I’m ranting I’d like to impart some clarity. If you felt empowered you would not have the insatiable need to plaster something as superficial as your body all around the globe on public forums for streams of attention from hundreds of thousands of people. It’s a cry for validation that those of us with daughters find both heart wrenching and infuriating all at once.

In all seriousness though…this isn’t good peeps and here’s why. I have 4, not 1 but 4 daughters to bring up in this world of increasingly shameless entitlement complexes and image obsession. Do I want them to own all that is themselves? Hell yes! Do I want them to feel comfortable in their own skin at all times because their freaking beautiful inside and out? Yup, sure do. I want them to think of who they are and how they look and I want it to make them smile. What I don’t want is for this feeling to require lighting, posing and enough eyeliner to shame an Egyptian. I don’t want it to be contingent upon the “likes” or heart eyed emojis they get from strangers. What if they gain weight? Or get stretch marks? Or walk away from an accident that mangles their body in some way? Of course I perish the very thought of an accident but come on…it’s rough out there. If they can’t look at themselves in the mirror with no one’s approval but their own in question…and say “damn girl….you’re capital F Fine!” no matter what…then I screwed up somewhere along the line in teaching them that they’re INCREDIBLE HUMANS. These influencer girls aren’t helping the cause of TRUE empowerment and true autonomy because they don’t have it to give, or if they do it got lost in the photo shop and the filters.  If you need a modesty bar or a blur filter to feel like you’ve expressed yourself then for the love of god get a dictionary so you can use big cool words to get your message out. We are operating in a schematic where female appearance is somehow synonymous with female value. We are teaching girls that they are strong and smart and pretty….oh yes don’t forget how pretty…so pretty. Fake tan, hair, nails, even fake fucking eyelashes….that’s all going to make them better, ie: prettier, and thus, more valued.  So girls, cover it up sweets.

Some would say I am just as bad for girl shaming, slut shaming…what have you. EEERRRRMMMM no. Not at all. I actually do believe that women should express themselves in any number of ways. I just have a different idea of what a person’s “self” is….and my version, no matter how raw and in your face, doesn’t require a modesty bar.